I don’t blog about my weight, or the issue of weight very often, but I feel like it is something that everyone thinks about. I recently read this article in Self magazine about disordered eating. I don’t feel like I am a disordered eater all the time, like the people in the article, but I do a few of the things that a disordered eater does. I label foods “good” and “bad”, I binge, I eat to aleviate stress, and that ususally just makes me feel worse.
I am not overweight. I am not thin, but I am at a healthy weight, my BMI is normal. But it took me 26 years to become a person who eats fruits and vegetables, snacks on cheese, peanut butter and apples instead of cookies and chips. I try to work out at least 3 times a week (down from 5 last year), and the guilt I feel when I don’t go to the gym is ovewhelming. But I still eat terribly on weekends, on vacation, when I feel bad about myself. I can polish off a burger and fries and feel like a rock is sitting in my stomach. I can eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s if I don’t stop myself.
I recently went to try on wedding dresses with my friends Amanda and Melissa. I have been waiting to get engaged, and I thought that it would motivate me to lose more weight. But when I tried on wedding dresses, I looked just fine. Which makes me feel torn. If I lose more weight, something that is always on my mind, I might not look like me at my wedding. But I still think I would look better, no matter what, if I just lose five more pounds.